


Wishing It Had Been Said

by LMmockingjay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Pain, S15E18, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:20:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27426361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LMmockingjay/pseuds/LMmockingjay
Summary: Just a short little fic about last nights episode. S15E18 Despair. It broke my heart and I needed to see Dean break down.The aftermath of Castiel’s death. Dean doesn’t know how to deal. His love for the angel unspoken, how he wished he had told him before the empty has shown up.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 108





	Wishing It Had Been Said

Dean sunk down onto the floor, his heart on overdrive and an ache in his throat. His legs spread out in front of him were weak and trembling. Though, they didn’t compare to the shaking of his hands. The same thoughts playing over and over inside his brain. The only thing he could think about. The only thing he didn’t want to think about.

He stared at the spot that Castiel was standing before. Before he was taken by the empty. His eyes were burning and his lungs were on fire. Breath coming out in sharp puffs of air. Dean couldn’t breathe. But he didn’t care.

The only thing he cared about in that moment was Cas.

A sob rocked his body and Dean pulled his legs up to his chest. Running fingers through his hair, he began to cry. Tears streaming down his face one after the other having no chance of being able to stop them. His body was quaking even worse know, little hiccups coming out of him as he tasted salty wetness on his lips.

Dean didn’t know how long his sat there, arms around his legs with his head held down. His phone began to buzz and with shaky fingers he picked it up. Seeing the call was from Sam brought him into the present, realizing his plan hadn’t worked. Couldn’t have worked, since Billie wasn’t the one who was killing everyone.

He knew he had to get up. Knew he didn’t have time to grieve, time to cry, or break down. But he couldn’t move. He wanted to. Oh, he wanted to. Sam probably needed him, was worried about him. How could he tell them, Sam and Jack? Tell them that Dean was the reason Castiel was dead. He didn’t deserve to be protected he should’ve been the one to die, Billie killing him. Hopefully long enough for Cas to get away.

It hadn’t happened that way. And now, Castiel was dead because of Dean. He couldn’t face it. Couldn’t think about any of the words that had been confessed to him earlier. Dean didn’t deserve them, didn’t deserve Cas’ love. Didn’t deserve Cas.

With that thought, even more sobs came from his mouth and the barely drying tears on his cheeks were covered by fresh ones. Castiel had told dean he loved him. He hadn’t said it back.

All the lingering touches and the stolen glances when no one was paying attention. All the butterflies when Cas had looked him with those blue eyes of his, staring straight through him. All the wasted time in pretending he hadn’t felt anything for the angel. His angel. Now Castiel was gone.

‘I love you’, running through his mind like a mantra. Dean wished he had said something, anything. Especially, that Dean loved him back. Utterly and entirely. His love for Castiel was as strong as his love for Sammy, just in a different way. Cas was his family - still is his family. But he’s also been more than that. He was the sun shining after a cloudy day, the feeling of sand running through your toes. That first cool touch of water on your body. He was everything.

How much Dean had taken for granted. All the fights, the anger that wasn’t warranted. Wanting to apologize for all of it now, for all of the many mistakes he had made. But he couldn’t. Because the man he loved back was gone.

—————————

Dean didn’t know how long he sat there. However, it was long enough for him to finally hear the slamming of the bunker doors. He should feel bad for worrying Sammy. And he did, of course. But everything was overshadowed by the immense grief and numbness that he was feeling.

“Dean!” He could hear Sam yell.

Dean tried to reply but his mouth was sewn shut. His lips dry and his throat hoarse. He just couldn’t. He was too weak.

Eventually, after numerous loud yells coming from both Jack and Sam, he heard footsteps. He knew they saw him looking broken and fragile. For once, he didn’t care. Dean didn’t have enough energy to pretend everything was all right.

“Where’s Castiel?” Asked Jack.

Another wave of tears tried to make their way out but he couldn’t cry. Just wet sounds coming from his mouth. Lifting his head up he looked over to where the voice had come from.

There was Jack looking at him, confusion written all over his face along with fear. Sam looked almost the same but most of all was his concern for his big brother. Sam took small little steps towards him like he was a scared little kitten. Which, Dean guessed, was a pretty accurate representation of himself right now.

“He’s gone.”

Barely a whisper, Dean doubted they had heard him at all but the shock and pain was clear on the others’ faces. Jack looked as if he were about to burst into tears.

Sam stepped forward dropping onto the floor beside Dean and bringing an arm up around him. He squeezed him into his chest and Dean didn’t try to fight it. He simply let it happen, moved around like a rag doll. Nothing mattered anymore anyway.

A shaky breath left Dean’s body. “I didn’t say it back,” his voice cracking.

His little brother pulled back to look him in the eyes. Confusion was evident on his face, his eyes also shining with unshed tears for his friend.

“Cas,” Dean closed his eyes. “He told me he loved me Sam. I didn’t say it back.”

Sam tightened his hold on Dean. Wishing he had any way to comfort him. He wasn’t used to this, seeing his brother break down. Show emotions.

Then, the younger Winchester heard the steady mumble of words being repeated into his shoulder. _I love him._

_I love him. I love him. I love him._

Sam took a deep breath. “I know, Dean.”


End file.
